I am having another round of blues again. Sometimes I wonder if there's anything wrong with me feeling so full of resentment and so abandoned. I put in my best to care for my baby but I still feel like a failure...a bad mother...

It's been 6 weeks since Min arrived. He's still sleeping short hours (even at night) and nursing more frequently than ever. I've heard plenty of comments and criticisms on how I am handling him, how I should put him on a nursing schedule, and how I should sleep train him and make him less dependable on me blah blah...but the fact is that he's only a tiny baby! True, I've my share of complaining of being sleep deprived and emotionally charged and loss of freedom etc, but I've also tried my best to respond and take care of his needs and make sure he is thriving and gaining weight and receiving attention from me in the best possible ways ever a mother can give. Babies don't come with manuals or settings and everything I do I have to learn from scratch. I've came a long way in the past 6 weeks. The fact that I am the only one who can read his signals and know what he wants when he cries and differentiate his hunger cries etc, I've achieved more than anyone else..Ironically there are many who have "shared" their concerns and comments about how I should do this and that, and how I should train my baby etc, when I really needed help, there was no one I can turn to. Who can help me take care of baby at night when I'm sick last week? No one. Who was there when I was so hyped up due to sleep deprivation? No one. Who was there to help me when I need just an hour of sleep to make sure I function better when my baby needs me? No one. I was alone, 24/7 with no help whatsoever, figuring out what baby wants, enduring his ear piercing screams and cries, and at times when I am doing that, I was crying to myself and applauding myself for a job so wonderfully done as a mother.

Who would have guess that I was just crying to myself 1 hour ago for being so tired and lonely, now I am so feeling so satisfied and giving myself a pat on my back for giving my kids the best that I can - to respond to their needs in the best possible way that I can no matter what time of the day and how I am feeling. I may at times be frustrated and wished to be single again with no family commitments, but the truth is my kids completes me as a person and i've learnt so much from them that I couldn't from anywhere else. The process is tough but the end product is sweet LOL There are times that I wonder if this is what I truthfully believe in or just something that I use to psycho myself so I feel better but I think I'll just leave it as it is for the time being....

Now back to the well deserve 15 mins or 30 mins (if I am lucky) sleep while the baby is sleeping now....

Baby Min is finally 1 month old!!! We had a celebration today at in laws place for his full month and the kids had great fun playing together with the other kids who came. Although the costs of the celebration is about an arm and leg to us, we are quite glad most of the guests had a good time gathering together.

Finally Min is 1 month old and we are now officially free to go out on weekends! Today we went out together as a family the very first time, and it's quite a challenge with Min's grumpiness and always wanting to nurse for comfort..also had to change his diapers many times since he's nursing a lot and output is certainly a lot too. Cannot imagine how things will be for the many weekends to come when we have to get used to lugging 3 kids and a maid out together every weekend.

The past few days has really been bad for me. Being sleep deprived has caused mood swings and bad blues for me that I felt I wasn't functioning properly at all. There's really minimal help as baby Min needs me to nurse him and wasn't really sleeping very well at night for a couple of days before the weekend. Luckily there was some improvements for the past 2 days, and baby Min was able to sleep stretches of approximately 2 hours, enabling me to sleep longer stretches too. It was also good that Hao was busy with his rehearsals at MediaCorp for the Star Search finals dance item and was hardly at home during weekends. Ee was being cared for by my mum and I could really rest better in the day time when baby Min is taking his nap.

Good news is that we have bought a new house. It's an Executive Apartment in the same neighbourhood, just further down away from my current place. We bought it at a very reasonable price and we thought it's really an ideal place for us with 4 bedrooms, big kitchen, big living room, dining area plus a balcony. In addition, it's on the 7th floor, which is nice for us and right in front of the balcony is a small garden and no blockage from other flats, enabling ample sunlight to shine into the house. Overall, we are very pleased with the place and is really looking forward to renovating and moving into the place next year. Finally we have one less thing to worry about, and now the next thing after baby Min's full month is to get Ee into nursery and spend some useful time learning things in school. Thinks it's about time already.

Looks like things are getting into gear and moving in the right pace for us now. :)