I am having another round of blues again. Sometimes I wonder if there's anything wrong with me feeling so full of resentment and so abandoned. I put in my best to care for my baby but I still feel like a failure...a bad mother...

It's been 6 weeks since Min arrived. He's still sleeping short hours (even at night) and nursing more frequently than ever. I've heard plenty of comments and criticisms on how I am handling him, how I should put him on a nursing schedule, and how I should sleep train him and make him less dependable on me blah blah...but the fact is that he's only a tiny baby! True, I've my share of complaining of being sleep deprived and emotionally charged and loss of freedom etc, but I've also tried my best to respond and take care of his needs and make sure he is thriving and gaining weight and receiving attention from me in the best possible ways ever a mother can give. Babies don't come with manuals or settings and everything I do I have to learn from scratch. I've came a long way in the past 6 weeks. The fact that I am the only one who can read his signals and know what he wants when he cries and differentiate his hunger cries etc, I've achieved more than anyone else..Ironically there are many who have "shared" their concerns and comments about how I should do this and that, and how I should train my baby etc, when I really needed help, there was no one I can turn to. Who can help me take care of baby at night when I'm sick last week? No one. Who was there when I was so hyped up due to sleep deprivation? No one. Who was there to help me when I need just an hour of sleep to make sure I function better when my baby needs me? No one. I was alone, 24/7 with no help whatsoever, figuring out what baby wants, enduring his ear piercing screams and cries, and at times when I am doing that, I was crying to myself and applauding myself for a job so wonderfully done as a mother.

Who would have guess that I was just crying to myself 1 hour ago for being so tired and lonely, now I am so feeling so satisfied and giving myself a pat on my back for giving my kids the best that I can - to respond to their needs in the best possible way that I can no matter what time of the day and how I am feeling. I may at times be frustrated and wished to be single again with no family commitments, but the truth is my kids completes me as a person and i've learnt so much from them that I couldn't from anywhere else. The process is tough but the end product is sweet LOL There are times that I wonder if this is what I truthfully believe in or just something that I use to psycho myself so I feel better but I think I'll just leave it as it is for the time being....

Now back to the well deserve 15 mins or 30 mins (if I am lucky) sleep while the baby is sleeping now....