Losing Myself?

I don't feel good with myself today. Maybe it's one of those days that I think too much and get too depressed. I've been doing that too much lately and that might not be good as I tend to self pity too much and have too much negative thoughts. Maybe after a while I'll feel better.

Why I think I am losing myself? I was watching Oprah Show a while ago and there's this woman who said something so very true, just like describing myself. She said that woman has too many roles. A woman needs to be a mother, daughter, wife, employee etc and will always be worrying and looking out for others a lot of their time. With that, we tend to neglect ourselves and lose our own identity in the process. It doesn't just stop there. As you lose your own identity, you start to lose your worthiness. Are you worthy of yourself at this point? What is your worthiness? How very true! I started to think about myself at that point. Who am I really? What am I worth?

I know I am a mother to 3 boys. I know I am wifey to hubby and a daughter to my parents and a sister to my siblings. But other than that, who am I really? Gosh! I was lost for words. I don't know anymore. I tried to look back at what I was last time. I was a confident woman earning my own keeps and having time (altho little but I still had time) to myself and indulge myself in little enjoyments now and then. Now, I just know I am needed at home. Altho no one forced me to give up my work to become a SAHM and I did that willingly, knowing that that's the best decision to make, but somehow, in that process, I lost my own identity. Day in day out, my time is spent between the kids, housework, cooking etc and basically that's that. I don't buy anything for myself now as every single cent given to me is for the household and not for my personal expenditure. I do not have time on my own or even time to go out and meet up with friends. Everywhere I go my 3 kids will be with me and even if I leave them with hubby, he'll end up calling me less than 30 minutes after I leave the house.

Now, I am not complaining about my life here. I clearly love my time spent with the kids and doing things for them but its just so scary not having you as yourself anymore. Many ask how I cope with my life and how I transit from earning my own keeps to relying on hubby financially and not having anything for myself at all. Well, I can only say it's a big challenge and I am still adjusting myself to that notion. It's really not easy. You can even say it's depressing! But I've just gotta bite my teeth and get through it. I hope when the kids are older, I can start to find myself again. I need to find my worthiness all over again. I need to be able to stand up for myself and tell others who I am and love me for I am and know what I want in life and how to achieve it. Till then, I can only go with the flow and do my best in what I do now. God help me that I don't even know i am talking sense now but I sure hope I do!